*I wrote this last year and it could not be more real this year, as well. My baby is going to kindergarten! We can do this, brave mamas!*
As I have mentioned before, my children have started a new school this year. The school itself is brand new. The bus routes are new. The routines are new. There are lots of unknowns. My little ones seem to be handling it well. I, on the other hand, am not. Some might go as far to say that I am a maniacal mess. They would be right.
My dreams have been so funky. This past Saturday night leading into Sunday, I woke up from a bad dream. My mind started racing. I thought of all the things that could wrong. I felt like I was going to have another panic attack right there in my bed. I could feel an awful headache creeping in behind my eyes.
Once I heard that Martin Luther said that if when he was done praying, he was still worried, he would get back on his knees and pray. I have no idea if he really said this, but it has stuck with me. But he did say this-
“You must learn to call on the Lord. Don’t sit all alone or lie on the couch, shaking your head and letting your thoughts torture you. Don’t worry about how to get out of your situation or brood about your terrible life, how miserable you feel, and what a bad person you are. Instead, say, “Get a grip on yourself, you lazy bum! Fall on your knees, and raise your hands and eyes toward heaven. Read a psalm. Say the Lord’s Prayer, and tearfully tell God what you need.” ― Martin Luther, Faith Alone: A Daily Devotional
So, there in my bed, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I begged God to please give me wisdom in how to deal with this decision to go to a new school. As I prayed and said the name of Jesus over and over, this thought came to me. “Janelle, give the school till Christmas and then decide.” It was like the wind blew the panic away. It felt like once again I had space. Without knowing it, I was feeling this immense pressure to get this school thing right and not mess up one minute. These words, which I know were from God, took the pressure off. It seems so simple today in the light of the day. But, have you ever been so stuck in the darkness, you could not find the switch to turn on the light?
God flipped the switch and I could finally breathe. I had gotten so stuck in my head that I could not see a solution.
Reminds me of one of my favorites from Psalm 18.
“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears…He reached down from on high and took hold of me…He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” ~Psalm 18:6
Are you panicking today? Last night? You are not alone. Do the hard work. Pray earnestly. Pray until the answer comes. Then, when the panicky feelings come back, remind yourself what the answer was. God delights in you. Walk in that space He give you.
You will be okay.