How the Holy Spirit breathes life into suicidal thoughts

Lord Jesus, have mercy on us in this country.  Last week a child on the cusp of her teenage years killed herself.  This story has become so familiar.  There is even a show about suicide that, without meaning to, has glamorized it. Now teenagers, who see no way out of the tough teenage years, are watching a girl get out of the struggles of life.  I cannot even.

Yet, I can. I can relate.  I can relate so much to the stuck feelings of this teenager that I cannot breathe.

I go back to a place that is riddled with fear and stuck and walking to a bathroom to think about killing myself that I get angry.

How dare that sneaky, snively little Satan and his minions speak one more word of lies to this world today.

Let me tell you the truth.  You are not the answer.  You cannot solve this problem that seems so big that you want out.  You need help.

You are worth the help.

You are worth a million.  You are worth more than any human word can describe.  Do not let humans describe your worth.

Have the voices in your head started screaming yet?  Have they started screaming that this is lie?  That you are worth nothing?  That you are unable to solve your problem?  That you are stuck? Shut them down and give yourself a chance to hear another option.

For once upon a time, I sat on my bed in college and felt the world close in on me.  Once, I sat on the bed and felt like, surely, I would never be okay again.  I could not solve my problems and no one would understand.  No one would be okay with me not okay.  I had no way out.  So, I thought of killing myself.  The second time I felt this way, I actually began to think about how I would do it.  Then, I got very, very scared.

I curled up in my bed and started to say in a quiet, but desperate voice, “Jesus.”

Do it.  Say it right now.

“Jesus”

I said it over and over and over. And a rushing feeling of wind swept over me.  Until that moment, I felt claustrophobic.  Until that moment, I was drowning.  Until that moment, I was stuck.

But, then there was air. That is all I can describe it as- air.  I could breathe.  Not only could I breathe, I could also feel this heaviness being pulled off of me.  Jesus describes it as a light burden.  David describes it as a spacious place.

I know it was the Holy Spirit.  Jesus heard my cry in my tiny, desperate voice and He sent the big gun name the Holy Spirit to defend me.  The Holy Spirit came like a rushing wind and began to act like a bodyguard- pushing the awful out.

Jesus wants to do the same for you.   You are not enough.  You were never meant to be.  Jesus is enough and wants you to have the Holy Spirit.  He wants you to have space.  He wants you to breathe.

You have a different ending.  You do.  What has happened to you is not okay.  It might even be called horrible and unacceptable, but it is not the end. Your experience is a part of you, but one day it will be relegated to a part of you that makes you to be who you are. You will be okay.

Do not kill yourself.

Tell your story.  Tell it to Jesus.  He is not horrified by any story.  In fact, He seeks those of us with stories out.  He listens and He has answers.

Start with His name. “Jesus”  Start to breath again.  Get quiet. Begin to feel the air move again.  Follow the feelings of freedom, not the voices in your head.

You will walk out of this darkness and you will be okay.

Write.  Tell your story to a person who cares.  Tell your story to a counselor.  Call your local Christian radio station.

You are loved.

Click here to get words to calm the crazies.  Speaking words of Truth drown out the lies.

Tell your story here.  You are loved and I want nothing more for you than to feel the air I feel today.  My story continued on and it became beautiful.  Your story can do the same.

Sweet hugs.

 

About Janelle Upton

My name is Janelle and I am so glad you are here. I am a person who God brought out of a dark pit and set in a spacious place to be healed and really live. I love to study, read, and ponder all things that will lead me to understand who God is and what He is doing in my life. May what you read in this space lead you to walk closer to the God that is crazy in love with you.

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